Dirt Off Your Shoulder

Why am I more of a man than Andy Sellars? Every morning, when Andy looks in the mirror and struggles to decide between his scally cap and his pork pie hat, why does the sight of his own face fill him with an emasculating sensation of hollow inferiority?

The answer to that last question is between Andy and his God, but allow me to tackle the first.

What I have that Andy lacks is the inner serenity of a warrior-monk. Sure, Andy seems like a pretty chill guy, but roiling deep inside that mellow, erudite exterior is a boiling teakettle of insecurities that must be overcompensated for at all costs, and then steeped for fifteen minutes and stirred with honey.

When Andy looks in the mirror tomorrow morning (he will choose the scally cap, and it will look good), for a fleeting moment he will think of this post and actually feel an emasculating sensation of hollow inferiority, which will likely gnaw away at him until he has lost sight of all his goals and aspirations and spends his days walking the streets of Boston offering to shampoo peoples’ hair for booze money.

I, on the other hand, am impervious to Andy’s no-doubt piss poor attempt to emasculate me and will simply go and brush my shoulder off, partially because the internet in my hotel room is currently down so I can’t read his post right now, but mostly because of that inner serenity warrior-monkness I was talking about earlier. I’m like Liu Kang, except instead of bicycle kicks and fireballs, I traffic in confidence. I am also better at predicting the future.

Also, I fucked Andy’s mom.

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You too can achieve new levels of awesome, with nothing more than a solid foundation of self-assuredness and the vital components of humility and self-discipline, necessary to combat the hubris you no doubt developed in tandem with your confidence.

To demonstrate how this method makes you more masculine and all-around more badass than your opponent, please watch this now-famous clip of Barack Obama. He was looking pretty beat in the debate Wednesday night — probably because the questions sucked harder than a two-dollar whore — but as you will see two and a half minutes into this clip, Barack proves that he is totally and unequivocally the man (not to be confused with The Man) by employing that hand gesture that lets everyone in the know know that he knows, without freaking all the squares out over the fact that he’s the first president(…ial candidate) to be down with hip-hop. If you’re feelin’ like a pimp…

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