BREAKING: Keifer Sutherland Saves Barack Obama

Los Angeles affiliates are now reporting a stunning turn-of-events in this already unpredictable election year: actor and climate change activist Keifer Sutherland has successfully foiled an election-night attempt on the life of groundbreaking presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Sources inside the campaign confirm that Sutherland was desperately seeking a meeting with Senator Obama in the hopes that the Senator would help him negotiate the release of his daughter, Sarah Sutherland, from Eastern European kidnappers (Ms. Sutherland’s fourth kidnapping of the day). Sen. Obama granted the beloved thespian a face-to-face meeting in his hotel room, despite warnings from the Secret Service that Sutherland might be obeying the kidnappers’ demands.

High level senior aides who spoke on condition of anonymity because the campaign does not want to encourage the impression that Senator Obama ‘puts Hollywood over America’ say that once the Senator and the velvet-voiced TV star were in the meeting, Sutherland brilliantly deduced the presence of a cell phone bomb that he himself arrived with, and threw it into the hallway with only seconds to spare.

In a related story, film icon and life insurance pitchman Dennis Hopper is said to be living in a dockside warehouse with Emmy-winning character-actor Zeljko Ivanek. As this article went to print our reporters still could not think of any plausible reason for this development.

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