Let’s Teach Elephants to Talk

Elephants are pretty smart. They can recognize themselves in a mirror. They form clans and maintain cemetaries and hold funerals.  They can paint, probably better than you:

And according to this New Yorker article about beer, when the man is getting them down they get drunk and fuck shit up, which means that elephants are at least as smart as the average human male. Some of the clever elephants even learn to act quiet and mysterious around the keg of rice beer and then offer to show the sorority elephants their paintings once they get back to the savvanah.

Look, clearly it’s time we taught an elephant to talk.  You know Koko the Gorilla, who can use sign language?  They started her off with a touch-screen that would build sentences for Koko in a robot voice, just like Steven Hawking, until Koko advanced to sign language, leaving that slacker Hawking in the dust. So let’s get some amenable zoo elephant one of these touchscreens!  Am I wrong? How much would you pay to have a beer with an elephant? Until they build the real Jurassic Park, this would be the best zoo ever.  We could also let Koko and the elephant hang out together and talk smack about humans. I mean, damn, we already have YouTubes of a talking gorilla shooting the shit with Mister Rogers and William Shatner, imagine all of the possibilities if we start increasing the ranks of talking animals. I’m dead serious about this.


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