Frankenpenis

(Originally posted at CHUD.com)

It has come to my attention that Lorena Bobbitt, infamous ’90s dick dicer, is on today’s Oprah.  I get that this is a “Where Are They Now?” segment, but would we revel in superficial pop nostalgia over a wacky rape? Would a man famous for beating his wife during a fit of mental illness get a guest spot on the #1 talk show in the country? I missed that episode Oprah did about Chris Brown and Rihanna, how did that go? She was chillin’ with Chris, laughin’ about how sometimes bitches need sense knocked into ’em, right?  Oh no wait, that’s fucked up.

Look, I’m not suggesting Lorena Bobbitt is unrepentant or a bad person or anything (the opposite is true, actually), or that Oprah condones cock chopping (she might though. Hard to say).  All I’m saying is, I don’t see Oprah chit-chatting with Roman Polanski, do you?  Dude had just as fucked up a life as Lorena Bobbitt, also made a mistake in the category of ‘sexual assault,’ but he can’t set foot in the US or he’ll get arrested. Lorena Bobbitt is doing guest-spots on Oprah.  Sexism! Or something.  Let’s do a quick “Where Are They Now” comparison right here, with an assist by Wikipedia:

Roman Polanski: Internationally-recognized cinema auteur, he survived the Holocaust in Poland, his pregnant wife was murdered by the Manson family in 1969, and then in 1977 Polanski pulled some “casting couch” sleaze on a 13-year old model. For thirty years, Polanski has lived and worked in Europe to avoid jail for underage sex with a minor. His victim, Samantha Geimer, now in her 40s, has requested the charges against him be dropped so he can legally return to the US and she can stop being asked, “Hey, aren’t you the girl who got molested by Roman Polanski?”

Lorena Bobbitt: A victim of domestic abuse and marital rape who went nuts. More specifically, went just above the nuts. John Bobbitt’s nuts.  Now she’s a hairdresser working toward her BA, and founder of an anti-domestic violence program that promotes family activities.  She has a fiance and young daughter and cares for her mother, who lives with them.  John Bobbitt was an abusive douche, and continued to be an abusive douche even after it resulted in his dick being cut off, racking up multiple arrests over the years. He also starred in two porn films, John Bobbitt: Uncut and — I cannot stress this enough — Frankenpenis.

Okay fine, so upon closer inspection, Lorena Bobbitt’s a really positive example as far as “Where Are They Now” segments, and John Bobbitt was stocking up on “dick-related violence” karma anyway, and none of it has anything to do with Roman Polanski, even if he did take a switchblade to Jack Nicholson’s face in that scene in Chinatown in one of the best director cameos ever. But I refuse to admit this post is pointless.  For one thing, turns out Oprah is good at her job.  Who knew?

In the end though, the real lesson is: don’t be a dick. Don’t take a knife to a dick. And don’t take a dick to a 13-year old. Engage in any of these, and you too will be forever haunted by the misdeeds of your frankenpenis.  Life lessons.

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